USLO

People, I’m not usually one for the gloom and doom scare tactics used by an increasing number of organizations out there, but I really think that there are times when they are truly necessary. I’m telling you this so you can save yourselves before it’s too late. People, there is a new threat in the world. At the moment, the greatest threat is still confined to localized forces, but the threat is growing at a rapid pace. The attacks are becoming more violent as each day passes and should become international news any day now. Can you not guess what it is? Have you not got your eyes open when you walk out the door? Seriously people. Look around you and be afraid. Be very afraid. The United Squirrel Liberation Organisation has hatched a diabolical plan to take over the world. Although come to think of it, we might be better off if we just let them. McCain or a squirrel. Banks or hollow trees. Hmmm…which sounds better to you?

Have you evidence of this plot you ask? Of course I do! Just take a walk in your local forest and witness it first hand! Once upon a time, a squirrel collecting nuts on the ground would see you and then run up a tree and hide. Then, a few years ago, they began running up a tree not to hide, but to scream at you. The younger generation took this a step further by not actually running the first chance they got, but by stopping to stick their tongues out at you before running up a tree and letting you have a verbal bashing. They found this tactic so successful that they started mocking and taunting you and your dogs prior to height and verbal expression of their dissatisfaction of your presence in what is clearly their home. This was all acceptable people, but now, now they have begun to actively attack. I should have known it was coming after the disturbing story about a single squirrel attacking 3 people before having its head bashed in by an 80 year old man with a cane. I should have seen then that they were planning something more aggressive, but failed. They learned from Alvin’s mayherestinpeace failure and have since graduated to using weapons in their attacks. This gives them the advantage of being able to hurt you from a distance, which, in turn, minimizes the chance that a feisty 80 year old will whack them to death before they complete their mission. Their weapons? Their paws. Ammo? Acorns and pine cones. They have now started bombing poor, unsuspecting wanderers in the woods as they ramble through the forest. It’s terrible I tell you!

Now, I can hear you thinking that, while uncomfortable, an acorn thrown at your head from a distance of 20 feet or so is not going to kill anyone. But their plan is cleverer than just that. They don’t actually intend injury as such, rather they just intend to give us headaches and watch us destroy ourselves from within. Politicians, who obviously aren’t over endowed in the intelligence department anyway, will wind up with headaches that prevent them from making important decisions effecting countries on all continents. Governments will collapse internally from lack of thought, preparation and action. They will no longer be able to support the people who voted for them and the squirrels will then whip in and overtake all politicians who have ever appeared in the news. They plan on tying them up to trees naked and pelting them with nuts and pinecones until they are dead or come up with enough peanut butter to make sandwiches for all squirrels across the globe. (Frankly speaking, I want front row tickets to that event. Better than football any day.) Then once the politicians are gone, they will replace all world currencies with acorns making themselves some of the riches entities whoever lived on the planet earth. After all, they’ve spent years hoarding nuts and are a heck of a lot better at saving than humans are. Humans, except for peanut farmers, will have to bow down to the squirrels and beg for mercy. We will be exactly where they want us, broken and sad, no longer able to conjure up the energy to ramble through their forests and step on their food. They will control all and humans will be subjugated to their every wish. Oak trees will become the new mints and castles with moats will be erected to protect them. Little squirrel Fürsts will appear on the scene forcing humans to collect acorns and keeping three quarters of the profits for themselves leaving the humans destitute with lives that are no longer worth living. It will be the end of the human race as we know it.

Be afraid people. Be very afraid. They are closer than you think.